Category: Joke Board
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter
to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly
get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go
find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer . . . for a couple of months. While they
waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD
they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?"
they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work
out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?"
asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer!
*
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet
she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him,
he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through
the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed,
you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you
stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You
know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fillwith warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He
wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every
day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what
I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast
for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast,
packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,
then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check
book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M.
and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop
the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument
with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to
do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the
ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded
the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen,
ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M.
he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where
he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without a complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't
know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home
all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your
lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just
have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night!"
Don't you just love it? A man and his wife were having some problems at home and
were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight
to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had
missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken
him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he
has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally,
she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hrs later, the husband goes to his wife and
says, "Babe, you know I now have only 18 hrs to live. Could we please do it one more
time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into
bed, he looks at his watch and realises that he now has only 8 hrs left. He touches
his wife's shoulder and asks, "Babe, please...just one more time before I die." She
says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for third time. After this session, the
wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending
death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Babe, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife
sits up and says, "Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning.....you don't."
*
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said,"When
we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my
slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's
all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
***
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to
the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple ? How devoted they are? He
kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to." Replied
the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."